She Rocks the Spectrum

Declarative Language: Say It Without the Demand

For a nervous system wired toward demand avoidance — often called PDA — even a kind, direct request can trip the autonomy alarm. The body hears 'you must' and braces against it. Declarative language sidesteps that: instead of a command, you make an observation or an invitation and leave the choice with the listener. This is for the two of you to practice together.

Why a command trips the alarm

A direct instruction applies pressure, even gently. A declarative simply shares information — 'the bins are full' — and trusts the other person to act, which keeps their sense of control intact.

Turn the command into a declarative

Example: 'Take the bins out' → 'The bins are full.' • 'Come on, we need to go' → 'I'm leaving at 6 if you want to come.'

Your turn — rewrite real ones from this week

Row 1

• A command you'd normally use: ____________________
• The same thing, as a declarative: ____________________

Row 2

• A command you'd normally use: ____________________
• The same thing, as a declarative: ____________________

Row 3

• A command you'd normally use: ____________________
• The same thing, as a declarative: ____________________

Row 4

• A command you'd normally use: ____________________
• The same thing, as a declarative: ____________________

Row 5

• A command you'd normally use: ____________________
• The same thing, as a declarative: ____________________

Row 6

• A command you'd normally use: ____________________
• The same thing, as a declarative: ____________________

Genuine, never a command in disguise: Declarative language only works when it's true. 'The bins are full,' said with a glare, is still a command — and a demand-avoidant nervous system feels the hidden agenda instantly. Say it, then genuinely let it go.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Naming the Loop, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Draw one ordinary fight as a loop, tell a shutdown from stonewalling, name the pattern, and agree on a pause with a time to come back.
• PDA in the Couple, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why a loving partner's everyday request can trip an automatic 'no,' the equity-seeking reframe, the pressure cycle, and why honesty helps most.
• Demand Avoidance and PDA, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Why demands register as threats in PDA, why it fires even for things you want, and the low-demand approaches that help.