She Rocks the Spectrum

Designer Relationship

Most couples take the relationship template they grew up with — or absorbed from culture — and live it without thinking. ND couples especially benefit from designing the relationship out loud. This worksheet is the design conversation, on paper, in advance.

Safety note: This worksheet is for consensual relationships where both partners can say yes, no, wait, or stop without punishment. Do not use this worksheet to pressure sexual activity. If there is fear, coercion, retaliation, active abuse, trauma flooding, pain, shutdown, or dissociation, pause and use this with a qualified therapist.

How to use this worksheet

Each partner fills their own copy. What YOU want, not what you assume partner wants. Trade and read silently. Notice the gaps. Talk about ONE area where you differ — curiosity, not negotiation. Iterate. This is a living document — re-do it once a year.

Name
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Date
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Areas of design

What do we actually want?

Sex frequency — once a week? Twice? Whatever happens? Scheduled or spontaneous?

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Monogamy or not — closed? Open? Don't ask don't tell? Discuss everything?

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Time together vs apart — how much daily? How much per weekend? Solo time how much?

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Money and finances — joint account? Separate? Both? Who pays for what?

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Holidays and traditions — whose family? When? Which traditions do we keep / replace?

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Conflict style — direct? Take a break first? Bring third parties (therapist)?

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Affection in public — hand-holding? PDA limits?

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Sleeping arrangements — same bed always? Sometimes apart? Different bedtimes?

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Communication frequency — texts during the day? Evening debrief? Weekly check-ins?

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Major decisions — joint always? Some independence? Veto rights?

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Design notes

Disagreements are not problems: They are the design conversation.

The area we most agree on is

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The area we differ most on is

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What feels inherited (not chosen) about our relationship?

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One design decision to make this month

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Design is ongoing: You aren't building the relationship once. Revisit one design decision whenever something stops fitting. That's maintenance, not failure.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Your Goals, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. What each of you wants, in your own words, and the questions your therapist asks underneath it.
• Time Together and Apart, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. How a neurodiverse couple talks about what closeness feels like for each of them and finds a balance of time side by side, together and apart.
• Building Your Couple Operating Manual, from The Neurodiverse Couple. The capstone: turn everything you've learned into one shared couple operating manual — map your two systems and write agreements that actually stick.
• What Is a Neurodiverse Relationship?, from The Neurodiverse Couple. What a neurodiverse relationship is — mixed-neurotype, both-autistic, and late-identified couples — and why generic couples advice often backfires.