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Love List

Tell your partner — specifically — what makes you feel loved.

Most couples assume their partner already knows how to make them feel loved. Most are wrong. This worksheet replaces the guessing with a list — at least twenty specific, actionable things — that your partner can actually do.

The rules

  • Think of what makes YOU feel loved — not your partner's shortcomings.
  • Be specific and actionable — 'be more affectionate' isn't useful.
  • List at least 20 — don't stop before 20.
  • Star items already happening that you want to continue.
  • Read the list to your partner using Reflective Listening — don't just hand it over.

Some examples: …you reach for my hand when we walk. …you send me a sweet text mid-day. …you drop everything and hug me when I come home. …you thank me for making dinner. …you run your hand through my hair. …you walk around the block with me after dinner.

Step 1 — Write your list

Don't stop until you have 20. Be specific. Star (★) the items already happening that you want to continue.

01. I feel loved when…
______________________________________________

02.
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03.
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04.
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05.
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06.
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07.
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08.
______________________________________________

09.
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10.
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11.
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12.
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13.
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14.
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15.
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16.
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17.
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18.
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19.
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20.
______________________________________________

Step 2 — Share it together

  • Read it together — don't just hand it over. Take turns reading aloud a few items at a time. Use Reflective Listening: 'What I'm hearing is ___. Is that right?'
  • Don't try to react to everything at once. A few items per session is plenty.
  • Tape your partner's list to the bathroom mirror. Read it every morning. Pick one thing from their list to do that day.
  • Don't be defensive. If their list contains things you haven't been doing — that's information, not an indictment.
  • Update every three months. What feels loving in winter doesn't always feel loving in summer.

Specific beats sweet: 'Bring me tea when I'm working' will be used far more often than 'be thoughtful.' If any item on your list is vague, make it smaller.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

  • The Love List, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The Love List for neurodiverse couples: twenty specific things that make you feel loved, read aloud in session and posted where you see them.
  • Staying Close, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Stay close in ordinary weeks: small daily moments and a short check-in that fits you both.
  • Neurodiverse Relationships, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Neurodiverse relationships: the double empathy problem, four couple patterns, and what helps.
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