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Reactivity Recovery Plan

A map back to each other when your nervous system says no.

This plan is what you fill out when both of you are calm — so that when one of you isn't, the system you've already agreed on carries you both through it. It isn't about winning the argument. It's about returning to safety so you can solve problems together.

Date
______________________________________________

Partner A
______________________________________________

Partner B
______________________________________________

1 — Early warning cues (somatic & sensory)

Many neurodivergent partners experience alexithymia. Instead of looking for 'anger' or 'sadness,' look for body data.

Partner A

  • [ ] Clenched jaw or fists
  • [ ] Rapid heartbeat
  • [ ] Sensory overwhelm (lights / noise / smell)
  • [ ] Heat in face or chest
  • [ ] Urge to 'check out' or escape
  • [ ] Loss of words (alexithymia)

Other
______________________________________________

Partner B

  • [ ] Clenched jaw or fists
  • [ ] Rapid heartbeat
  • [ ] Sensory overwhelm (lights / noise / smell)
  • [ ] Heat in face or chest
  • [ ] Urge to 'check out' or escape
  • [ ] Loss of words (alexithymia)

Other
______________________________________________

2 — Your default 4F response

When the nervous system reads danger, it picks one. Knowing yours reduces shame — and helps your partner recognize the behavior as survival response, not character.

Fight — over-explaining, sharper tone, looping

Partner A — looks like
______________________________________________

Partner B — looks like
______________________________________________

Flight — leaving without a word, scrolling, hiding in work

Partner A — looks like
______________________________________________

Partner B — looks like
______________________________________________

Freeze — going blank, losing words, feeling paralyzed

Partner A — looks like
______________________________________________

Partner B — looks like
______________________________________________

Fawn — agreeing just to stop the conflict, ignoring own needs

Partner A — looks like
______________________________________________

Partner B — looks like
______________________________________________

3 — Your regulation toolkit

Examples: weighted blanket, noise-canceling headphones, cold water on face, rocking/stimming, silence, a dark room, a walk.

Partner A's tools

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Partner B's tools

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

4 — Our shared code word or signal

Our code word / signal
______________________________________________

5 — The return plan

'Abandonment' can trigger reactivity on its own. Provide a concrete return time. A 30-minute promise honored beats a 5-minute promise broken.

Partner A — I will take a ___-minute break and check in by ___
______________________________________________

Partner B — I will take a ___-minute break and check in by ___
______________________________________________

6 — Cues of safety

Each partner may need different things. Neither is wrong. They are different neurological requirements for safety.

Partner A needs

Physical (e.g., side-by-side sitting)
______________________________________________

Emotional (e.g., 'We are okay.')
______________________________________________

Partner B needs

Physical (e.g., deep pressure / hugs)
______________________________________________

Emotional (e.g., no eye contact yet)
______________________________________________

7 — Our encouragement statement

Something one of you can say to the other when reactivity hits. Examples: 'We are on the same team.' / 'This is the reactivity. It will pass.' / 'I love you. I just need a minute.'

Our encouragement statement

______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Rehearse when it's quiet: Read the plan together once a month when nothing is wrong. A plan you've rehearsed is the one you'll reach for when your nervous system says no.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

  • Naming the Loop, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. Draw one ordinary fight as a loop, tell a shutdown from stonewalling, name the pattern, and agree on a pause with a time to come back.
  • Repair Cycles That Actually Work for ND Brains, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Repair after a fight is the top predictor of lasting love — but standard advice backfires for ND brains.
  • Meltdowns, Shutdowns, and the Partner's Role, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Telling a meltdown from a shutdown from an argument, the iceberg of load beneath the trigger, what helps in the moment, and the plan you build in advance.
  • The Neurodivergent Nervous System, from The Neurodivergent Brain. Interoception, the autonomic ladder, and your window of tolerance — why neurodivergent systems react harder and recover slower.
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