A Therapy Center for Autistic Girls & Women
She Rocks the Spectrum
Spoon Theory
A way to talk about energy when 'I'm tired' doesn't quite say it.
Spoon Theory was coined by Christine Miserandino in 2003 to explain to a friend what living with chronic illness was like. It has since been adopted widely by neurodivergent communities as a way to talk concretely about how much energy a day actually costs.
The basic idea
Imagine you start each day with a fixed number of spoons — let's say twelve. Every task costs at least one. A loud restaurant, an unexpected call, a hard conversation — those can cost you the rest of the day. When you run out, you're done. Pushing through is borrowing from tomorrow.
Why it's useful for couples
- It gives you a shared vocabulary. 'I have two spoons left' is much clearer than 'I'm tired.'
- It moves the conversation from 'won't' toward 'can't right now.'
- It helps the higher-energy partner understand the cost of things they don't experience as costly.
A gentle note: Spoon counts aren't math. They're rough estimates that change day to day. The goal is shared language — not a precise accounting system to be argued over.
Step 1 — Map your spoons
For each activity, write down roughly how many spoons it costs you on an average day. Whole numbers, 0 to 12. Honest, not aspirational.
On a typical day, I start with about ___ spoons
____
Daily basics
Getting out of bed
____
Showering & getting dressed
____
Eating a meal
____
Basic chores (dishes, tidying)
____
Work & focus
A regular work meeting
____
Deep-focus work block (1 hour)
____
An unexpected work request
____
Commuting
____
Social & connection
A short phone call
____
Coffee with a close friend
____
A social gathering or event
____
A family obligation
____
Sensory & environment
A loud or crowded place
____
A long car ride
____
Bright fluorescent lights
____
Unexpected change in plans
____
Step 2 — Build the agreement
Decide together how you'll bring spoon language into your everyday. Both partners answer — even the partner who doesn't experience their day as spoon-limited.
How we'll check in each morning ('How many spoons today?' at breakfast, a quick text)
______________________________________________
What our 'low-spoon' signal is (a phrase, a number threshold, a hand sign)
______________________________________________
What changes when one of us is low on spoons (plans we postpone, chores that wait)
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
How we'll handle a surprise high-cost event
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
One ongoing thing we agree to share, even on low-spoon days
______________________________________________