She Rocks the Spectrum

The 1-5 Scale

A shared vocabulary for emotion intensity, volume, tone, and touch.

Naming feelings is hard. Naming the intensity of a feeling, in a way your partner will understand, can be even harder. The 1-5 Scale gives you a small shared vocabulary you can lean on when words are slow to arrive.

How to use a scale

• Define the scale together on a calm day, ahead of time.
• Use it in the moment when something would be faster as a number than as a sentence.
• Adjust by request, not by argument. 'That was a 4. I need a 2.' Not 'you're being too loud.'

What you can scale

• Emotion intensity — 1 = pretty calm, 5 = overwhelmed.
• Volume — 1 = whisper, 5 = the loudest you go.
• Tone — 1 = gentle, 5 = sharp.
• Touch — 1 = barely there, 5 = firm.
• Word choice — 1 = soft and neutral, 5 = strong and charged.

A gentle note: A number is a check-in, not a verdict. If your partner says they're at a 4, the right next move is usually to ask what they need — not to argue with the number.

Emotion intensity

Level 1 — what does this feel like?
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Level 2
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Level 3
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Level 4
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Level 5
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Volume

Level 1 — what does this sound like?
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Level 2
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Level 3
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Level 4
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Level 5
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Tone

Level 1
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Level 2
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Level 3
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Level 4
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Level 5
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Touch

Level 1
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Level 2
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Level 3
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Level 4
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Level 5
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Reflect

Which scale do you think you'll use most often?

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Where did you and your partner most disagree on what a level meant?

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When will you use it for the first time?
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Use the numbers mid-moment: The scale only helps if it gets used while things are happening. 'I'm at a four' is a complete sentence.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

• Where You Misread Each Other, from The Neurodiverse Couples Repair Program. The session where a neurodiverse couple finds where they guess each other's feelings wrong, in both directions, and writes down what was true.
• Co-Regulation as a Couple, from The Neurodiverse Couple. How two nervous systems settle each other — why co-regulation can misfire across neurotypes, and how to build a calm the two of you can borrow.
• Two Operating Systems, from The Neurodiverse Couple. Why neurodiverse partners misread each other, and why the answer is to translate, not fix.