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The Tug-of-War

If your brain seems to want opposite things at once — craving routine and then rebelling against it, needing calm and then craving stimulation — you might be AuDHD (autistic and ADHD). The autistic side wants predictability and structure; the ADHD side wants novelty and movement. They pull against each other, and that tug-of-war is genuinely exhausting.

Two real needs, not a flaw: Somewhere around half to two-thirds of autistic people are also ADHD. The push-pull is a neurological reality — not indecision, not laziness, and not something you're doing wrong.

Name your tug-of-war

Tick what rings true — these are the places your two sides clash most.

  • [ ] I build a routine, get bored, abandon it, then feel lost without it
  • [ ] I crave novelty, but new things also overwhelm me
  • [ ] I hyperfocus for a weekend, then can't do basic chores
  • [ ] My interests burn hot then vanish — and I grieve them
  • [ ] I want connection but it costs an enormous amount of energy
  • [ ] I'm bored by routine yet distressed when it's disrupted

Where my autistic side and ADHD side fight the most:

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The boom-and-bust cycle

A common AuDHD pattern: an intense, productive 'boom' of hyperfocus, followed by a 'bust' — a crash or burnout. Spotting your own version lets you plan for the recovery instead of being blindsided by it.

What my boom looks like:

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What my bust looks like, and how long it usually lasts:

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Plan the recovery, not just the sprint: If a crash reliably follows a high-intensity stretch, schedule quiet recovery time on purpose — without guilt. That's maintenance, not failure.

Strategies that honour both sides

The trick isn't picking a side. It's finding options that feed both needs at once.

Novelty within safety

  • Try a new recipe using your usual kitchen setup
  • A new podcast on your regular walk
  • A new game played in your safe, familiar space
  • Rotate options within a routine instead of replacing the routine
  • Build 'structured flexibility' — a routine with built-in choice points

One 'novelty-within-safety' swap I'll try:

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The body check

When you're not sure what you need, ask your body before your head.

More or less?: A simple AuDHD reset: pause and ask, 'Right now, do I need MORE input — movement, music, stimulation — or LESS — quiet, dark, stillness?' Then give yourself that one.

Build both kits so you can reach for the right one.

  • [ ] MORE: movement
  • [ ] MORE: upbeat music
  • [ ] MORE: cold water
  • [ ] MORE: fidgets
  • [ ] MORE: a change of scene
  • [ ] LESS: noise-cancelling headphones
  • [ ] LESS: dim light
  • [ ] LESS: a weighted blanket
  • [ ] LESS: alone time
  • [ ] LESS: stillness

How I'll tell which one I need in the moment:

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You're not contradictory — you're complex: The goal isn't to win the tug-of-war; it's to stop fighting yourself about it. Two real sets of needs can both be honoured. If the boom-and-bust cycle is grinding you down, that's worth bringing to a therapist who understands AuDHD.

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