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Trust Building Actions

When trust has been broken — what would actually help, named in advance.

Trust does not return on its own, and it does not return on a schedule. It rebuilds through specific, observable actions, repeated over time. This worksheet gives the betrayed partner a way to name — concretely — which actions would help most.

An important note: This worksheet is a tool, not a treatment plan. Recovery from betrayal — particularly involving infidelity, abuse, or addiction — is best done with a therapist who specializes in this work. Use this list alongside that work, not instead of it.

How to use this

  • The betrayed partner reviews each list and marks the actions that would help most.
  • Talk together about the marked items. The partner who caused harm receives the list as information, not as a fight.
  • Re-read it monthly. What helps in month one is rarely what helps in month six.

List 01 — Lower-cost trust building behaviors

Honesty, attention, and consistency. Check the actions that would mean the most to you in this current chapter.

  • [ ] Limit overnight travel
  • [ ] Tell me when you encounter people connected to the betrayal
  • [ ] Tell me when any of those people contact you
  • [ ] Tell me if you're planning to contact any of them
  • [ ] Call or text me during the day
  • [ ] Recognize that I'm anxious and not yet trusting; offer reassurance
  • [ ] Tell me how you feel; share intimate thoughts
  • [ ] Share your positive feelings about me
  • [ ] Share negative feelings without defensiveness or attack
  • [ ] Tell me how you think we're each doing in the healing
  • [ ] Tell me what you need from me
  • [ ] Come home from work and have dinner with the family
  • [ ] Plan unstructured time alone with me
  • [ ] Rebuild our verbal, physical, and sexual intimacy with intention
  • [ ] Share what upset you during the day
  • [ ] Listen to my feelings without trying to fix them
  • [ ] Tell me what pleased you during the day
  • [ ] Focus on what I'm saying — no phone, no distractions
  • [ ] Tell me when you feel I've let you down
  • [ ] Show me affection outside the bedroom
  • [ ] Hold me when I'm upset; don't give up on me
  • [ ] Stay alert to old patterns; stop yourself before slipping back
  • [ ] Point out — gently — when I seem to be slipping into old patterns
  • [ ] Learn how to comfort yourself
  • [ ] Expect me to be able to comfort myself too
  • [ ] Accept that the betrayal will come up over years; it's not retaliation
  • [ ] Resist the temptation to push me to heal faster
  • [ ] Maintain a firm commitment to not relapsing

List 02 — Higher-cost trust building behaviors

These ask for structural change. Mark what feels necessary — not what feels comfortable.

  • [ ] Don't contact or associate with anyone connected to the betrayal
  • [ ] Leave any group or setting where the betrayal took place
  • [ ] Transfer some shared assets into my name
  • [ ] Find another job, if the workplace is part of the harm
  • [ ] Plan a romantic vacation with me
  • [ ] Make your phone, accounts, and email available to me
  • [ ] Don't keep private accounts or secrets
  • [ ] Give up other destructive behaviors; build healthier ones
  • [ ] Move to a different town with me, if needed
  • [ ] Pay for outside support if I need it (therapy, retreat, etc.)
  • [ ] Explore in therapy the roots of your betrayal
  • [ ] Get into couples therapy with me
  • [ ] Answer my questions about the betrayal in front of a therapist
  • [ ] Understand what led up to it; plan what you'll do differently
  • [ ] Write me a specific apology — what, how it hurt me, what's next
  • [ ] Create a ritual marking the end of the old, start of the new
  • [ ] Mark an annual date to renew our commitment to healing
  • [ ] Tell me when you're tempted to relapse — even subtly
  • [ ] Tell me when you're on the edge of compromising our trust

Set our next review date

Today's date
______________________________________________

Re-review on (about 30 days out)
______________________________________________

Notes for next month's review

______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________
______________________________________________

Trust rebuilds on repetition: One completed action repeated for months does more than ten promised ones. Review the list monthly and prune what isn't happening.

Go deeper

Ready for more? These lessons pick up where this worksheet leaves off.

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