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Who Am I

An exercise in knowing yourself — and being known by your partner.

This exercise builds what John Gottman called 'love maps': the detailed, ongoing knowledge each partner holds of the other's inner world. Most couples assume they know each other after a few years. Most couples are wrong. The four topics below are designed to bring some of what's changed back into view — for yourself, and for the person you're sharing this with.

A gentle note: This worksheet is a learning tool, not treatment. If your relationship currently includes abuse, ongoing harm, or active crisis, please work with a qualified couples therapist instead.

How to do this exercise

  • Pick a topic — each of you picks one. You don't have to pick the same one.
  • Write for ten minutes, using the questions as prompts. Answer only the parts that are real for you.
  • Swap papers. Each partner reads, then talks for ten minutes while the other only listens.
  • Come back to it. Pick up another topic at another protected time.

Topic 1 — My Triumphs & Strivings

What you're proud of. What you've come through. What you're reaching for.

What has happened in your life that you are particularly proud of? Triumphs big and small.

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How have those successes shaped how you think of yourself, and what you strive for?

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What role has pride — feeling proud, being praised, expressing praise — played in your life?

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Did your parents show you that they loved you? How was affection expressed in your family?

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What role does pride in your accomplishments play in your relationship now?

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Topic 2 — My Injuries & Healings

What I've carried. Hard things, and how I've survived them.

A gentle note before you begin: This topic includes deep traumas — including, where it applies, abuse, assault, or other serious harm. Skip any question that isn't right for today, or skip the whole topic. There is no version of this exercise where you owe your partner a full account of your worst moments on demand. Sharing is for your benefit, not theirs. A therapist's office may be the better setting for some of this.

What difficult events or periods have you gone through? Significant losses, disappointments, trials.

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How did you survive? What lasting effects do these have on you?

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How did you strengthen and heal yourself? How did you revive and restore yourself?

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How did you protect yourself against this happening again?

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How do these injuries — and the ways you protect and heal — affect your marriage today?

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Topic 3 — My Emotional World

Where I learned to feel. What my family taught me about emotions — and what I'm doing with it.

How did your family of origin express anger, sadness, fear, affection, and interest in one another?

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Did your family cope with a particular emotional difficulty? What does that mean for this marriage?

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What is your own philosophy about expressing feelings? Which are difficult for you?

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What differences exist between you and your partner in expressing emotion? What's behind them?

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Topic 4 — My Mission & Legacy

What I'm here for. The shape of the life I'm trying to live.

What would you want your headstone to say? Begin with 'Here lies…'

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Write your own obituary. How do you want people to think of your life?

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Write a mission statement for your life. Its purpose, its meaning, your larger struggle.

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What legacy would you like to leave?

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What significant goals have you yet to realize?

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Describe the person you want to become. What demons have you fought, or still have to?

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What would you most like to change about yourself? What dreams have you denied?

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What do you want your life to look like in five years?

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